Here are things I have done.

Irons in the fire. Writing projects currently under way, bubbling under or only slightly dead.

This is the repository. Now, when I refer to projects in the future I don't have to (a) give away the titles, given that I know what you are doing, and (b) have to refer to them in increasingly breathless and anecdotal ways.

And ... if anyone recognises themselves in this, tough shit. You were either warned or you are an arse.

1. Stupid cartoon sketches.
   Written (sort-of) with Norwegian Psycho in 2002/3. Turned into little web cartoons. Sent to Channel 4, got us meetings.
   Current status: was feared dead. Now alive, just. Perhaps about to go to BBC.
   
   
2. Stupid cartoon sitcom.
   Written mainly by me in 2004. Illustrated by Norwegian Psycho. Very over the top. Decapitations, self-fellation and bombs. Sent to Talkback. Got their interest, but couldn't turn it into professional script.
   Current status: see above.
   
   
3. Half-hour singing thing.
   Written entirely by me for MA in 2004. Very over the top, but as I did my final re-write on the day my Gran died it shows surprising emotional depth.
   Current status: should be dead but kept alive like some vegetable. At this moment is some way up the 'to be read and burned' pile at the BBC Writersroom.
   
   
4. Pig story.
   Written entirely by me in 2003. Short film about pigs and men. Started out as a short story, now something I send to people who want to read an example of what I do.
   Current status: hardy perennial. Currently with film company waiting for reading and burning.
   
   
5. Running around hospital film.
   Re-written, largely by me in July 2005. Horror film. I was brought in to re-write after original writer couldn't take it any further. Did four drafts in four weeks. Blood clot in the eye. Was cancelled about two weeks before shooting was due to start on the sage advice of Famous Director.
   Current status: dead, dead, deader than the dead nurse who killed even though she was dead. Useful as a calling card though, in a 'here is what I can do when given a clearly mental set of instructions' kind of way.
   
   
6. Famous book adaptation.
   Proposal for film. Written by me and Yorkshire Menk, a fellow MA student, in August 2005. Famous Director liked the proposal very much, but then Extremely Famous Author told us we couldn't even think about it for five years.
   Current status: suspended in ice, waiting for science to catch up. But it did lead to ...
   
   
7. Groundhog Day's for pussies.
   Mind-fuck film. Idea by me and Yorkshire Menk. Idea came to us whilst discussing project 6 with Famous Director in September 2005. We were a bit drunk. Very exciting though and much fun.
   Current status: on the cusp. We finished a short outline and pitched it to Famous Director who likes it very much - and who has been extremely encouraging. Just turned the pitch into a nine-page treatment and sent to Famous Director, who is planning to pitch it to Money Man #1 for development money sometime soon.
   
   
8. End of the world.
   Psychological AND supernatural horror film. Very dark and horrid with a bit of body horror too. All my idea. Started in late 2004. Developed with Irascible Tutor #1. Been working on this one for about a year now.
   Current status: writing a treatment. When this is ready Irascible Tutor #1 is set to take it out to Money Men #2 thru 6 inclusive for development money. Had a shock last week when I read about an American Sci-Fi series which has a worringly similar premise, but having done some research it seems that the series is too Sci-Fi and mine too Horror for me to be stop.
   
   
9. Boy and paedophile.
   Radio play. Mad jaunts. Writing it for MA. Unusual Tutor.
   Current status: due to be finished in Jan 2006, but plenty of mini-deadlines before then. Unusual Tutor very good with ignoring deadlines, which is good because I am too.
   
   
10. Woman sex blood
    Horror film script. Big crimson hysteria thing about all the horror that has ever gone before. Developing it for MA final year project. Tutor is Ass Kicker.
    Current status: 1,000 word outline nearly approved. Have to then turn that into a step outline. Have to then do three drafts of a script between March and November 2006. I also have to work with a professional advisor who reads the outline and drafts one and two. The university can pick someone ... or you can write to your hero. I just have. Frolic in brine, goblins be mine.
    
    
11. Mind-fuck book
    SF/Weird fiction adaptation. For second half of MA second year - ie starting in February. This is the book I have always wanted to adapt. Written by Very (not Extremely yet) Famous Author. I don't know anything about the rights yet, but it is the only one of his books which is never mentioned as optioned, so it's worth a stab. It's also a chance to work again with Unusual Tutor, who is so recognised by the world of adapting that she was asked to adapt big, and I mean BIG, for radio a couple of years ago. She did it too.
    Current status: not started it yet. Fuck, what do you think I am?
    
    
12. Men in a hole.
    Big high-concept idea. Pitched to Irascible Tutor #1 in July 2005. He pitched the idea to a writer friend who said it was one of the best ideas he has ever heard.
    Current status: lurking under the surface like the Watcher in the Water. Did a six page treatment in August but not doing much more for a while. Watch out Frodo.
    
    
13. People in shadows.
    Big high-concept idea. All me again. Again pitched to Irascible Tutor #1 in July 2005. Since then have not developed it furhter.
    Current status: see above. But even more hidden than the Watcher in the Water. Smoke. And shadow.
    

Here is what I am talking about.

Writing. Or more specifically, writing for film. And TV. And heckfire, radio too.

I've done the poetics, I've passed Syd Field 101 and I am doing pretty well.

But I am finding that my conversational gambits are becoming a bit repetitive: 'that great bit in the third act when the alien finally discovers his Jewish heritage' gets people's goat when repeated every Friday night.

Sorry people. But this is what I do. In my spare time.

The day job involves ... things that are irrelevant here.

The spare time is now spent writing scripts. The ultimate aim: to write enough high-concept British blockbusters to be able to afford a hippy house made of wood, somewhere up the Lancashire hills. Wear hemp trousers and exercise the hounds.

The story so far is as follows ...

I wrote a novel whilst living in Australia and it got published (total sales - around four). Got back to the UK and came up with some ideas for cartoons with a mate. These ideas got us into meetings at Channel 4 with Rob Popper (then a commissioning editor, now an independent comedy god). From that came some chat with people at Talkback about contributing to a non-broadcast pilot. Nothing came of it ... people were keen on what we were doing but I didn't know enough about dramatic writing and the mate didn't know enough about animation.

So what do you know? I am in the second year of a script writing MA and he is doing a BA in animation. And he has just found out that he is special.

During the MA my legendary arskliken abilities came to the fore, and through that I was asked to re-write a British horror film which was about to go into production. No pressure there. After heroically surviving bloodclots in the eyes I did my bit. And then the film got canned. Wasn't happy, but through that have now made inroads into the world of development hell.

I now have two scripts which are almost at treatment stage, with people lined up to sell them on.

If I keep things up like this it will only be a matter of decades before I can afford the hemp trousers.

Here beginneth the lesson.

This blog is a response to the millions of people who keep approaching me, asking 'what goes Monkeywhalefreak AKA Dogboy?'. Too many people, too little time.

Alternatively you could say it's a response to a particular friend who gets a bit sick of me:

• having just the one topic of conversation;
• using that to ruin all other conversations;
• not being enough of a nerd type to do instant messaging.

So Pete ... here we go. It has nothing to to with me or my ego at all. It's just for you. And the millions.